No, I don’t want to play nor have I really felt the need to reconnect with acquaintances, old or new, since coming back. That bright yellow ball of yarn is enticing, but not quite enough to lure me out from the comforts of my quiet, singular life at home. Here, I am alone but not lonely, and it feels right.
I do maintain a substantial number of connections, but it’s different in person. In person, everything requires so much more effort and responsibility from both parties.
“[These things are] tolerable; but not handsome enough to tempt me; and I am in no humor at present to give consequence to [them]…You had better return to your partner[s] and enjoy [their] smiles, for you are wasting your time with me. “ - Darcy, Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice
It’s selfish and absurd and above all, unfair to these people who invest time into someone harboring such views, as I am. I ask what my reasons are, what’s wrong with me, and of course, He provides a flawless answer.
Proverbs 18:1 Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.
I’m just becoming aware of my countless imperfections and the more I dwell on them, the more I find. God, I am so, so broken- fix me, please.
But for now, something I can do: best friend is coming home tomorrow. I owe it to her after a whole mess of a semester. I need to pull it together and she, of all people, deserves it.